http://www.frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/ fr Copyright 2008 Sat, 22 Mar 2008 12:48:52 -0800 http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/ http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss they're like cotton candy pom poms. even on a grey day, they never fail to cheer me up. i've been sick at home for the past two days, and i'm still not feeling 100% today. can't shake this gastrointestinal bug. it's annoying. a number of people i know have had it, though, and for a few days, too. grand!! being at home but not having the energy to do much unpacking hasn't been all bad, though. it was rather nice. it gave me two days to just be here and get used to it. i'm right next door to my dad, so this apartment complex has always felt like it belonged to dad. the first few nights, B and i looked around in a confused awe and said, ok, can we go home now? but slowly, it's felt more and more like home. it's very quiet. and green! there's a sliding glass door to an outdoor patio, all surrounded by a cedar tree and green shrubs. the front door opens to peonies, rhododendrons and a small lawn. i can hear the birds all day long. there are raccoons that live nearby but i haven't seen them yet. lots of squirrels and even a fawn-colored rat who skitters along, looking for birdseed (he's not gross). i can hear the traffic from the street in the photo above, but it's more of a background noise. the downstairs is mostly unpacked, thank god, and everything seems to fit ok. the kitchen is wicked crowded, though. B has a ton of kitchen stuff, and it's hard making everything fit. upstairs is still in boxes, but slowly settling out. i'll be happy when my bug goes away so i can do some more unpacking. today is the first sunny day we've had all week.]]> http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/03/this_is_the_vie.html http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/03/this_is_the_vie.html Sat, 22 Mar 2008 12:48:52 -0800 smells like when we first moved in: a little musty, like paint, a little damp. everything is echoing. it's been raining on and off all day and the tree outside the window has tiny red buds of leaves just starting to unfurl on the branches. i've been listening to music really loud, and that's been grand, and the cable tv was just turned off. it's been lovely having a last afternoon alone here. i made a last trip to the grocery store and stocked up on donuts for tomorrow's breakfast. we're trying to entice people to help us move with coffee and donuts, and later, pizza and beer. i've caught myself more than once thinking that i'm leaving this city entirely, but i'm not. we're moving only five miles away! it feels like such a big change, though. today's the ides of march. the sun just came out again. the weather has literally been rolling by in waves. it matches my mood. cat stevens helps, too. http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/03/the_apartment.html http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/03/the_apartment.html Sat, 15 Mar 2008 16:35:04 -0800 goodbye view of the mountains and the us bank tower. goodbye tall ceilings and walk-in pantry. goodbye tiny bathroom and clawfoot tub. goodbye stoop and maple tree. goodbye pocket doors and hardwood floors. goodbye dining room. goodbye nice neighbors. hello, patio and garden. hello freshly painted "marshmallow fluff" walls. hello gardening and azalea bushes. hello blue jays in the rhododendrons. hello crickets. hello neighborhood cats and racooons. hello quiet mornings. goodbye noisy neighbors and slamming iron gates. goodbye door that doesn't stay closed unless we lock it. goodbye living on the top floor and goodbye lugging groceries. goodbye thin, uninsulated walls. goodbye grey trim everywhere. goodbye cupcake shop. goodbye pearl. goodbye drunk men with shopping carts. hello living right next to my dad. hello elderly landlord. hello spooky basement. hello eating outside. hello smaller space. hello terrible carpet. hello no fan in the bathroom. hello to where i lived when i was first born. hell yes! http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/03/penultimate_nig.html http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/03/penultimate_nig.html Fri, 14 Mar 2008 20:48:42 -0800 moving day approacheth. i'm always surprised at the feelings i have toward my things. going through some of the boxes was hard. lots of old photos and other mementos. i threw away a couple of journals, something i never thought i'd do. i debated it; i've kept a journal regularly since high school and didn't know if i wanted a gap from college graduation to my first trip to europe in 2001 (about 3 years). but those entries were dripping with sorrows i don't want to revisit again. i cringed just flipping through the pages. if i could choose a song to fit that mood, i'd pick "morning bell" by radiohead. so melancholy and beautiful at first, but stark and sharp and jagged and cacaphonous by the end. i felt so lost then, and while i don't necessarily feel found now, i do feel more balanced. reading through one of the journals i kept was more of a novelty. it spans the end of freshman year into that summer when i worked at camp namanu. i was head over heels for this tenor saxophone player i knew at the school of music (who later joined the cherry poppin daddies; my only brush with fame). it was interesting remembering that whole thing. i documented it fairly well and also wrote about the other things that were happening in my life: going to therapy, dealing with the sickness and ultimate death of E, breaking off a friendship with a girl named A, staring at camp as a counselor. the general theme of that journal, and the journals that preceeded and followed it, was my longing for love. i ached for it. it's slightly embarrassing to read it now, and i wish i could go back to myself then and say, hey! there's a lot more wicked cool things you could be doing now, like seeing more live music, like having more fun, like wearing higher heels, like eating whatever you want and not worrying about it, like staying up later, like sleeping in later, like experiencing more. living more on the edge. but whatever. none of that matters when you're lonely and want a boyfriend. hindsight is truly 20/20. if i'd met that person then, that me of the future-now, i'd have thought, whatever. go floss. don't live vicariously through me. growing old sucks. thank god i'm not there yet. but!, i'd tell my past self, you'll get there sooner than you think! i think one of the reasons i haven't been in such a great hurry to get married and have kids and buy a house is that for the past 7 years or so i've finally felt at peace, like i'm not chasing something so out of reach. i'm still searching for whatever IT is, but being in a relationship and traveling a bit has satiated parts of me that were so unbelievably lonely and unfulfilled. i've finally experienced a certain stability being in a relationship with B. i felt my growth was stunted for so long. i haven't been in a hurry to grow up. http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/03/moving_1.html http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/03/moving_1.html Sat, 01 Mar 2008 17:46:39 -0800 ]]> http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/02/a_little_treat.html http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/02/a_little_treat.html Thu, 21 Feb 2008 19:09:55 -0800 how about a close up of the dark bordeaux, my favorite buttercream? it's the one with sprinkles: so far so good. so very good, actually! i'm exercising restraint, though, honest. i went a little overboard at work yesterday with all the v-day goodies. gulp. we're off to seattle this weekend for a 3-day holiday of good food, shopping and seeing friends and family. i'm slowly figuring out my little spritely camera and all its bells and whistles. it's so quick, so small, so ... complicated sometimes. but pops gave me an impromptu lesson on ISO and f-stops. wish me luck! one of my goals is to master taking shots of neon at dusk. i might need a tripod or a steady something on which to place the camera. it's a canon powershot SD750 digital elph, ps. ]]> http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/02/oh_joy.html http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/02/oh_joy.html Fri, 15 Feb 2008 18:33:09 -0800 my comments are frequently out of control, so i do apologize if i've deleted yours by mistake. i need to keep up with cleaning out my junk comments (where most of your legitimate comments end up, for some reason) more often. sorry and sorry and sorry!! on a positive note, my hair has all but stopped falling out! i still have a few more weeks to go with treatment, but my scalp is looking and feeling so much better. it's lifting my spirits, that for sure! v-day is tomorrow. B and i have a standing order to get each other a box of see's chocolates every year on v-day. whoo hoo! i prefer "dark assorted," he likes "dark nuts & chews." i promise to post photos. http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/02/comments.html http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/02/comments.html Wed, 13 Feb 2008 18:40:16 -0800 here's all that remains: it was ok. the flavor was great; i added some butter and brown sugar. but the texture was all wrong. it was simultaneously watery and granular. i think i'm sticking to oats-- irish oats-- and all their lumpy heartiness. i finished off breakfast with a nice cup of mariage freres french breakfast tea. check out my brownies! they are delicious, truly. nice and dense and very chocolately. i think my family will be pleased at dinner tonight. we all harbor a sweet tooth. there can never be too much dessert.]]> http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/02/today_in_photos.html http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/02/today_in_photos.html Sat, 02 Feb 2008 15:03:34 -0800 have been on a continuous loop on my ipod since last night. i finally bought an itunes card and downloaded 11 songs. joy! i have a handful of songs that i love but don't feel like buying the whole album (daft punk and guster, although i'm sure guster would be a pleasant investment); songs that are guilty pleasures ("fantasty" by mariah carey, shut up); one-hit wonders from the 80s (soft cell and tom tom club); songs that i've had on record or tape in the past and am familiar with (simon & garfunkel's "so long frank lloyd wright" and "for kathy..."). rounding out the list is "hot in herre" by nelly, which i adore as it's always played at blazers games. i'm not embarrassed by any of these choices. i'm over it. people like what they like and i'm open to anything. i've yet to try the malt-o-meal; perhaps tomorrow for breakfast (thanks for the tip, lani)-- but i did successfully make my grandma's brownies! they look delish. it was a bitch trying to melt the chocolate chunks in the microwave without it seizing up, and the finished batter was a lot thicker than i thought it would be. it was my first time baking anything from scratch, save the cookies from the past few weeks and random batches of chocolate chip cookies throughout the years. they need to cool before i can cut into them-- i can hardly wait! one of my medications for my scalp (i pretty much have psoriasis, ps) is this oil slick i put on my scalp at night. i then have to wrap up my head in a shower cap to keep everything all moist on my scalp. i have to "sleep" in the shower cap-- that sucked-- it's so loud! i woke myself up about a dozen times with all the crinkling sounds. i read on a psoriasis website that produce bags aren't as loud. nuts, eh? sleeping with a lettuce bag over my head. it's like a saran wrap tiara. my hair hasn't stopped coming out, and it probably won't for a while until these medicines start working. it's funny-- i have thin hair in general but, lucky for me, i have a lot of it and it has lots of body. so it has always looked thick. i can't tell you how many times i've cursed my frizzed out mane in the mirror and wished it was thinner, smoother, more manageable. and now ... thinner for sure, and in a constant pony tail and disappearing. on the bright side, maybe i'll get more use out of that pink pageboy wig i bought last year for halloween. http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/02/guster_and_daft.html http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/02/guster_and_daft.html Fri, 01 Feb 2008 20:54:49 -0800 this one and this one. up until this afternoon at 4 p.m., i looked at these sights longingly throughout the day if i had a spare moment; they always made me crave tea or scones or plush slippers and a good book. at 4 p.m. today, however, my employer decided to add all websites ending in "blogspot" or "typepad" to the official blocked internet list, deemed as not pertaining to work and therefore not to be viewed on the clock. whatever. it's insanely annoying. i feel like i'm in eighth grade and just got caught with a comic book hidden in my math book. it's a new policy, mostly to block sites that stream music and, ahem, porn (rumor has it a few people regularly watch porn at work), but it's borderline censorship to me. i'm a little ADD at work and frequently have an innate need to look at / think about something other than work. like this site. anyway. please note my sanity beginning to degrade. i went back to the dermo yesterday. she confirmed my hair loss issue and told me i indeed have a severe case of scalp craziness. i'm beginning a new round of shampoo/oil applications that will last 30 days. i'm trying to not pay attention to the side effect warnings on each bottle. ignorance is bliss, especially when it concerns my hair. i've always liked my hair. it's my most defining feature and i'd like to hang onto it. to be continued ... on another random nesting note, i bought some malt-o-meal at the store tonight. i've never had it and it looks cozy. i've also never had cream of wheat; my aunties told me the non-instant kind is heavenly. what are your thoughts? ]]> http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/01/nesting_and_bak.html http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/01/nesting_and_bak.html Thu, 31 Jan 2008 18:46:41 -0800 "dear diary, what is wrong with me? 'cause i'm fine between the lines ... " -travis that about sums up how i'm feeling as of late. ambivalent. neither here nor there. my hair is falling out at a rapid pace. it's this dandruff issue or whatever. my scalp is a mess and t-gel and nizoral are awful awful awful. they dry out my hair like crazy. everything is parched. my two massive cowlicks are the only things masking my growing bald spots. i'm going back to the dermatologist on wednesday and i am *not* using those shampoos between now and then. we're moving. it's going to be fine. it's just from one neighborhood to another, not even five minutes away. it'll be a good change, a good excuse to purge my mass amounts of packratted shit stashes. we've already taken six bags to the goodwill. and by the way, i don't write off those donations. partly because it's far too much work, partly because none of that shit is worth anything, and lastly because donating that stuff isn't really about me or putting more money in my pocket, it's a donation. to a good cause. something for nothing in return. it's a great service that they're even taking my shit piles to begin with. that's enough for me. anyway, the impending move and all its boxes and packing is looming over my head. will all of our shit fit in the new place? will the new place be too small for the two of us? etc., etc. B wants me to celebrate his friend K's birthday on saturday night and i totally don't want to. i'm being completely selfish, too, i admit it. i've weasled out of many nights of hanging out for various reasons (namely i'm pretty sure K is an alcoholic) but i'm probably due for one sometime soon. i can tell B is annoyed with me about it. i've been feeling so uninspired lately. it's so darn cold. being outside is painful and ... arid. january and february are the worst months. february has one up on january only because it's two or three days shorter and there's see's chocolates midway through the month to tide me over until march. i can't figure out how to use my frequent flyer miles to get a ticket back to maine this summer. the online search told me nothing except that my city doesn't go to portland, maine, but does go to boston. i'm not interested, even for a free ticket. purchasing a ticket, even this far in advance, will set me back about $500. what the ... ? it's no wonder i went to france last year. it only cost (at that time) about $300 more. hmmmmm... everything felt so much more easy when i was younger. i had all kinds of aspirations and inspirations and dreams and summer vacations and goals. i've been trying to find them again. i've started reading about buddhism and it's been helping. but enlightenment is slow going. should i take yoga? smoke some pot? buy more lipgloss or never buy lipgloss again? i don't know. i think i'm just having an off night. http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/01/no_witty_title.html http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2008/01/no_witty_title.html Thu, 24 Jan 2008 19:29:01 -0800 celtics fan (him being near boston and all), totally loves you, too. he reminds me of that by singing the dirty hairy desert-tumbleweed-sound whistle whenever we're on the phone. whoever came up with playing that after you score at home games is brilliant. genius. just like you. i'm totally whistling right now. dear travis, i was bummed i never talked to or saw you again after spring term freshman year. i wasn't all the surprised, though. just a little hopeful that you would indeed write me with your address instead of just giving it to me upon your departure. did you know that my current boyfriend went to high school with you? yeah, he saw the only photo i have of you and was like, why the fuck do you have a picture of travis in your photo album? and i was all, well, it was this straggly guy from my dorm whom i hooked up with one night who never talked to me again except that one time in my dorm room when he came down, high, and i gave him a mug of water and took his picture. it was the same night you told me you would have made out with megan instead of me had the opportunity arose that one night. i felt really special after that. anyway, the last i heard, you had some disease; not an std or anything (that i know of!) and had dropped out of college because you were so sick. karma's a bitch.]]> http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2007/12/an_open_letter.html http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2007/12/an_open_letter.html Fri, 21 Dec 2007 19:41:26 -0800 i think it would be amazing to go to jamaica, but only if it were 1979 and bob marley was alive and i could see him perform. some place nice and warm would be a gift right now, but i'll settle for four and a half days off with all this time in my back pocket. it's time to reconnect with my family, with my boyfriend, with myself. all week long, every day, every moment, i long for time alone to think, sort it out, organize. and often times when i get there, i don't know what to do with myself. usually, i start by cleaning: straigtening up my numerous piles, stacking up unread magazines, doing the dishes, folding up my sweaters. once that's done, i set out a project; blogging, organizing my perfume samples, whatever. i might make a list of things to do, groceries to buy. like bob sings, this satisfies my soul. it clears away the cobwebs and gets me focused again. http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2007/12/catching_up.html http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2007/12/catching_up.html Fri, 21 Dec 2007 19:31:55 -0800 we've been spoiled with tons of sunshine this autumn-- more than normal. september was wetter than usual but october and most of november were warm and dry and sunny. but secretly, i couldn't wait for the rains to arrive. it's not really fall here until it rains and i was truly starting to molt. careful what you wish for, though, because my rainy wish was fulfilled; it's currently spilling all over the place. rain always sounds like a much better idea to me that it actually is, especially over the weekends when i have no plans and the drizzle just won't stop. it can feel quite claustrophobic in this city, with the west hills towering over town and the river closing it all up on the east. after a much stir-crazed deliberation today, i ventured out for a walk and some errands. i am a native, after all, and it's just a little rain. it's time for me to embrace the rainy season and focus on the positives. i laced up my waterproof boots and walked to the store in search of typhoo! english tea (but came home with barry's of ireland instead) and a ficelle from the bakery. here's what was good about my walk: getting out of the apartment for an hour! even though it was much colder than i thought it would be, the air was so clean and fresh. all the leaves have fallen and they've clogged the streets in a soggy mess, but it added to the overall lovely, squishy sounds of a rainy day. hardly anyone else was out, so i practically had the streets to myself. it felt nice to be out while everyone else was in, watching football. and it certainly made my soup and cup of barry's all the better when i got back home. http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2007/11/soggy.html http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2007/11/soggy.html Sun, 18 Nov 2007 15:41:54 -0800 i have seborrheic dermatitis; aka: dandruff. a severe case, not to be gross. the dermotologist said anything can cause it, really. stress, the changing seasons, diet. i think it's all three for me. i feel like i've been on a consuming binge lately. i've turned into a glutton: too much halloween candy, too much perfume, too much of everything. i've developed a small gut, an aching back, piles of too much shit, a foggy head. it's time for a change and for letting go of excess. what do i need? what are my basics? if i want something, does that mean i should run out and buy it? no. i feel like i've lost my focus. i've lost my way. buying more things won't help. http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2007/11/too_much.html http://frogblog.flashesofpanic.com/archive/2007/11/too_much.html Sat, 17 Nov 2007 15:48:51 -0800